An Answer to a GREAT QUESTION, and more.......

For Yesterday's post, I recieved this comment by jlfintx:

"do you ever come back on and respond to comments on your blog sherri?"

To this- I write:

jlfintx,

I am so glad you asked!!! I try to NEVER come onto the comment area and leave comments. Let me explain why, and then I will certainly do some "responding!" Thank you so much for asking me if I do. You have actually opened the door something I have been feeling, and wasn't sure how to express it. THANKS!

I don't usually comment out of "courtesy." I feel I have had my rant, now it is your turn. I LOVE a healthy debate, but I don't ever want anyone to feel that differing ideas are unwelcome- in fact; I honestly believe them to be vital. I have learned a lot from those who disagree with me. Some have helped me to look deeper, or change my view on certain points, etc.. I never want to DOMINATE over my readers, especially if they disagree. Sometimes, I even have good responses to those who may disagree, but try and leave it up to others who may want to defend an idea to do so. I have seen it happen and it delights me. However, I have felt a closeness with many of my readers and commenters and still yearn to correspond, but show GREAT restraint and try not to comment, just to keep the floor open for differing opinions.

With that being said. Let me share my heart on a few things. First- I am so grateful to all the love, prayers, and thoughtfulness I have received. Let me also thank you all for sharing so much of yourselves. It means the world to me that people are willing to share themselves and any advice, or experiences in order to bless me. I HAVE BEEN VERY BLESSED by ALL of YOU! Second- I am thrilled that so many of you "GET IT!" I love when RWNJ can disagree with me, make points, state his case, and do it in such a GREAT WAY! I am NEVER left feeling like I have been "confronted" or "berated." I feel like he has shared himself with me, and in a respectful, even loving way. I TREASURE THIS WITH THE FIBER OF MY BEING! Third- I think for now on, I will do more responding, and will include my email address for anyone who wants to email me, and we can communicate this way too! I am still learning the
technical side of this blogging thing, so please be patient with me as I get that set up.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I will be VERY honest. I have had bouts with depression myself. It is literally debilitating. It is hard to do ANYTHING. Hard to shower. Hard to answer the phone. It is painful just to go to the grocery. When suffering from depression, it is eating at your very legitimacy for living. As you walk through the dairy aisle, you think, "they are looking at me, and they know!" Sounds crazy, huh? You literally feel like you are swallowed up into this black hole, and everyone sees it. Everyone knows. Somehow there is this feeling of shame and aloneness that accompanies feeling "depressed." IT IS REAL- IT IS TRAUMATIC! It is the ultimate "victim, yet at blame" conspiracy theory that is literally "all in your head." I don't know what brings it on. I don't know how to control it, and I don't know how long it will last. But when it hits, even though you know it is not "REAL." IT IS VERY REAL!

I find people don't like to talk about it. People, who have never experienced it, seem to think it is a "mindset" that WE CONTROL. NOT TRUE. They also seem to scramble for a "way out" of the conversation. They get very uncomfortable with the discussion. Some are just frustrated and think you are about to unravel a litany of sob stories. Some feel like they just don't understand it, and it is too "depressing" to talk about. Some just don't want to be bothered. Others may even feel like they just can't deal with it, because they burn inside to help and fix it, but realize they cannot.

I would love to see us start talking about it. Maybe if we did, people like my friend would not have been "ashamed" to talk about it and reach out. You don't choose depression any more than you CHOOSE breast cancer or prostate cancer. IT CHOOSES YOU! It is not a mere matter of "attitude adjustment."

I also realize that as much as I feel close to you all, we don't really KNOW each other as well as we may think others know us. For instance, I was being open and honest when I said that, yes, I was mad at my friend. People in my life, watching me deal with this, know there is no "destructive ANGER" on my part. But I would be lying if I said it didn't disappoint me, and hurt me to see how his decisions in dealing with this, or how he ultimately dealt with it, effected people I love and adore. I am not shouting at him, or feel any sense of rage, just a sad sense of, "DANG- you put a LOT of guilt and pain on people that LOVE you, no matter WHAT you are going through." Yet, I also feel a sense of true understanding- in fact- I think it is that feeling that explains why I am not enraged at all. It never crossed my mind to be enraged. It is more sadness than anger, I guess. There is a bit of pity, but not in a condescending sense. It is in a compassionate sense. I know those dark moments. I know those days when it all seems hopeless and insurmountable. I can still feel the blackness in my heart. It is as if you are viewing the entire world covered in grey ash, the ashes are the only thing left of your soul that has been cremated and now the ash, the dark reminder, the residue just covers EVERYTHING. You struggle to figure out a way to find Sherri again, a way to release her, and let her out again. The one who is worthy of love. Because everything you do feels like a charade to hide the fact that you have slipped into this black hole. Your heart is filled with darkness and doom, and you are afraid that ALL will see it, and judge you for it. Yet we never seem to truly believe that this isn't true. You are trapped between knowing what you feel is VERY REAL, yet knowing that the feelings are based on illness, not factual things or events. It is hard to explain. IT FEELS SO REAL.

As for "judging" the father, or Andrea. I do not pretend to be the judgers of their souls; I am not. I don’t pretend to know their relationship. I do however expect a father to have a relationship with his children based on the idea of PROTECTING them- even it that means protecting them from someone who loves them, but is unable to care for them the way that they SHOULD, such as their mother. Even some compassion for how difficult it is to care for these children on perfectly HEALTHY terms, let alone while dealing with her own demons. The point is that this could have been avoided. We call it “postpartum” and suddenly it is associated as a “woman” issue, and political correctness tells us it is a hands off issue to hold HER accountable. MALARKY! I do feel the need to judge their actions, without ANY judgment of people's actions, especially when those actions lead to the KILLING of FIVE innocent children- society as a whole will fail at protecting innocents from actions of the evil or afflicted. Noah, John, Paul, Luke, and Mary deserve for us to stand up and say- HEY- YOU COULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES THAN ALLOWING THEIR BRUTAL DEATHS. YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE BETTER DECISIONS. My favorite quote of all time is by Edmund Burke- "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for a good man to do nothing." My words and actions may seem harsh, but they will never be squashed so that evil may triumph. Evil will continue in this world, but I will sure do my best to not be one who sat quietly by, allowing evil to trudge through my life and/or world UNCHALLENGED!

I adore levi from queens for sharing HIS story. This was not only a HUGE story that is vital to share, but it was also very BRAVE of him to share it! Thank YOU jlfintx, for sharing so much of YOURself! You are treasured.

I am very glad that we have used these tragedies in a positive way and shared so much with each other about it. People CAN make a difference. I hope many people share the thoughts and feeling shared by ALL of you, and can gain SOMETHING from it. Weather it be compassion, understanding, or especially the decision to seek help in their lives with their burdens before allowing any such tragedies to occur in their own lives. If we are not loving each other, we are FAILING each other. If we are not sharing our experiences to help others, we are dead set on track to see the painful consequences of our silence destitute see painful things repeated in others. I hope more people will find the courage to come step forward and share, especially if it is to seek help, rather than to give help!