Straight Up with Sherri

Monday, November 22, 2004

Let's Play CURVEball with Chris Matthews!

Okay, here we go.

Picture it. It's Tuesday night, November 16, 2004. President Bush has won re-election, and two weeks later, Chris Matthews can't accept the defeat and begs for an extra inning.

First man at bat- The United States Marines!

Chris winds up, here comes the pitch: (He's throwing the "video of US Marine shoots poor innocent Iraqi" pitch.)
Matthews: Some soldiers would be very careful about something like that, and others are just hot shots?
Translation: Hey, a few of our guys are decent, but the rest are just trigger happy! Yeah, I like that, they are the big mean US military machine. Paid and trained killers. They LIKE it!
Ump's Call: What EXACTLY is Matthews giving priority to? Being careful not to get you and your buddies KILLED, or being careful not to “offend” anyone by killing a TERRORIST turning a place of worship into a command post? LOW and OUTSIDE!

Second Pitch: Why would he presume to go in and shoot somebody as if they were a danger?
Translation: Hey these guys were in Disney land! No danger! They get there jollies off killing!
Ump's Call: AS IF? AS IF? AS IF they were a DANGER? Hey Matthews, put down the mike and grab a clue you MORON! These men are in the middle of guerilla warfare! URBAN STYLE! The most dangerous kind known to man! Oh, and by the way- any terrorist still breathing IS a FREAKIN’ DANGER! Runner- take your base, that pitch nailed you in the....(mid-section...area)!

Second Batter up: Condoleezza Rice!

Matthews winds up: Do you think she (Rice) might become……her own diplomat and say, Mr. President, there‘s a diplomatic solution to this situation? Don‘t rush to judgment like you did with Iraq?
Translation: No cartoon necessary- she’s a puppet right now. I gotta say it as much as I can. Bush rushed to judgement (man I love Dean and Gore), there IS a diplomatic solution to EVERYTHING! Bush is a cowboy, RUSHED to war, RUSHED to war.
Ump's Call: No propaganda here, huh? Dang, this line is sooooo OLD! Stop picking your nose and throw the ball for Pete’s sake!

Second Pitch: Any chance in the world……that Condi Rice will become kind of a Becket figure, a person who is trusted implicitly but then becomes their own person, when given the responsibility of representing the State Department?
Translation: I need to get the Aunt Jemima thing in here again, it sounds sooo good. Any chance she could save the world and get a mind of her own here? Any chance at all???
Ump's Call: Good Grief! How condescending! He somehow dismisses Rice’s impeccable and stellar record, (puts his resume′ to shame) and calls her Aunt Jemima. And THIS from a guy who can’t find enough ways to tout the PARTY LINE of the Michael Moore groupies! Condi, take your base, stop hitting the players with the ball you ninny! Scared of a WOMAN?

Next Batter: Dick Cheney!

Matthews: (Speaking of Stephen Hadley, who is replacing Condi Rice) isn‘t he.... A Cheneyite?
Translation: Anyone who agrees with THIS administration is an eeevil conservative!
Ump's Call: Cheneyite? What grade are you in Matthews? Unsportsman like Conduct-here's your Warning!

Second Pitch: Suppose………we didn‘t back dictators like the Saudi royal family, people like that who are simply selling the oil to keep their fingers filled with rings and girlfriends in London..
Translation: Bush supports dictators if it puts money in Cheney’s pockets! Haliburton! Haliburton! HAAAALLLLIIIBUUURTOOOOOOOON!
Ump's Call: That one was in the dirt! Loose and crazy moonbat talk! I see the scoff mark on your cleets Cheney, take your base!

Who's up next? "W"

Matthews: Suppose we were a good country and an even-handed country, all right? Would that make him any less hostile to us?
Translation: We are eeevil! We are pathetic. It has to be our fault! Osama isn’t a bad guy, we (America and Bush) are the bad guy! C’mon, didn’t we DESERVE 9/11? We drove him to it!
Ump's Call: This is like saying: “If she were really a goooood girl, he never would have kidnapped her and molested her.” The train of thought here is not only INSANE, it's DANGEROUS! That pitch was so crazy- automatic HOMERUN! Dubya gets a GRAND SLAM, and Matthews- YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!

The game's over Matthews. Besides, you can't get a pitch even close to the strike zone! Take your ball and GO HOME!


  • It's a rainy day in Georgia. Enjoyed the post. Reminded me of one of my passions for the Great American Pastime-Baseball. Thought a few Yogism's would put it all in perspective:

    On the tight 1973 National League pennant race:
    "It ain't over 'til its over."

    Hey Yogi, what time is it?
    "You mean now?"

    "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

    "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

    "It gets late early out there"

    "[When introduced to writer Ernest Hemingway] Yeah, what paper you write for, Ernie?"

    "Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded."

    "You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough,
    in the second half you give what's left."

    Carmen Berra: "Yogi, I went to see Dr. Zhivago today."
    Yogi: "Now what's wrong with you?"

    "Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical."

    "Eighty percent of putts that fall short don't go in."


    By Blogger Phillip48, at 12:02 PM  

  • - Other than the timeless "...thats De'ja vu all over again..." one of my favs from the indominable Yogi: "...Yah gotta give people good ball.....If they want to stay away from the ball park there's nothing you can do to make 'em...."

    - If Mathews was anymore of a shameless media ho for his liberal buddies he'd have to do his show in a French maid outfit and heels...

    - His wife Kathleen is a staunch Republican, and his manic liberal maleprops drive her nuts sometimes. Friends say theres an unwritten law that they never discuss politics at home. I assume the attraction is "opposites" to the extreme.....that and I imagine with his boundless energy and tail wagging she thinks he's a cute if badly misguided "puppy" that she hopes to "paper" train some day....Must be tough for her with all the drooling. I wonder how long it took her to get a word in edgewise on their first date. He does a marvelous job of interviewing himself on most of his shows....

    - His TV Bio should read: "Not ready for Bush league" and "Permanent designated pitch litter"....

    By Blogger - Hunter, at 12:32 PM  

  • Ah, Sherri, you are indeed brilliant! Enjoyed the wisdom. I just hope Matthews reads it.
    theparson (David)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:34 PM  

  • Not in a million years would I have expected this. Witty, Sherri, very witty. You like and know sports tooooo? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Who is Pete?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:56 PM  

  • Love what you've done with the place!

    By Blogger papijoe, at 8:56 PM  

  • My first time visiting and I felt right at home! Really good article!

    By Blogger Zoomlens, Zoomlens2, at 10:04 PM  

  • Trite and myopic.

    By Blogger Mieke, at 5:26 PM  

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